Sunday, June 24, 2012

New is sometimes hard, revisited.

I've had an awakening, so to speak, from my previous assumptions about myself (click HERE, or scroll to the previous post).

I think I got to the root of my problem about dreading Girls Camp, because once I addressed the "real" issue, I felt worry-free.  Girls Camp, here I come.  And I'm excited.  Even, and especially, to make new friends.

Here's what I discovered.  All this time I'd felt guilty for taking off and leaving my family.  For having fun without them.  Ben has major deadlines at work.  This is THE WORST time for me to pack up and go.  Not to mention the fact that I had to ask my parents to help out with the kids, too.  I try so hard to keep my "asking for help" to a minimum because my parents are already caregivers, and I know they value the limited freedom they have (not that they regret being caregivers, they choose to be, but a part of that requires limited time to do what they want to do, when they want to do it.  It is what it is.)

Ben has always been supportive, but I was ASSUMING  that he was resentful of me going to Camp.  His life will not be any easier with me gone.  He would reassure me and I would doubt.  It was the same with my parents.

I had to accept help from other people.  Not that people aren't helping me in little ways all the time, but in BIG ways...that doesn't happen very often.  I hate the thought of putting other people out.  And yet I'm so full of gratitude for them when they do, because I know there are things I couldn't do without them.  I asked myself if I wouldn't willingly do the same for someone else, too?  I would.  And I'd want them to have a wonderful time and not stress over what was going on at home, even though it was a sacrifice for me.

I had to make a choice.  Would I accept the help with gratitude or spoil the experience for everyone with my incessant apologies (I'm sure we're all in agreement that it's pretty annoying when people do that)?

I'm letting go of my pride and embracing the kindness of others.  I'm going to have a fantastic time, all the while counting my lucky stars for the people I love who made it all possible.  I am so grateful for a husband who will sacrifice much of his own comfort for me, willingly.  I'm grateful for parents who tell me when I'm being ridiculous and to "get over it" (that's what my mom said, really).

Sometimes the game of life isn't even.  Sometimes we take a little more than we give.  But the tables will always turn.  My time will come to be the giver, once again.  And I hope to handle it with as much grace as those who've been angels for me.

End of story.


Jilene said...

I'm sure you will have so much fun & the girls will love having you there! I was on the stake camp staff, but couldn't go since I'm pregnant. :( So sad to put in so much work & not be able to go.

Lanette said...

Darn it. That would be so hard, doing so much, and missing out on the fun :(. I'm excited to see you guys at the reunion in a couple of weeks...I can't wait to hear all about how you're feeling!!

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