Friday, June 22, 2012

New is sometimes hard.

I'm too old to feel this way.  It's ridiculous.  In the end, I'm sure I'll be fine.  

I'm going to our Church's Girls Camp.  A week-long adventure with a slew of teenage girls.  I don't worry about being with the girls.  I love teenagers.  I could talk all day with teenagers.  I'm fine with that.  I worry about being with the adults, where I belong.  I can count on my hands the number of people I know who are going to Camp.  However, I'm not camping or working closely with any of those people.  Wait, there is one lady that I LOVE, she's great.  It's hard to be on your own, throwing yourself into things, when you feel like everyone knows everyone, except you, and you don't quite know where you "fit."  And not just for a day or an evening.  We're talking days.

(Beautiness on a walk down my road.)

I realize this is one of those experiences where the anticipation of the event is FAR WORSE than the event itself.  I'm sure I'll get there and I'll find ways to stay busy and make new friends in the process.  But, BLAH, I wish I could skip the nervous tummy I get thinking about it.

Here's the other funny part.  It's been a LONG time since the goofy, silly part of me has made a public appearance.  I live in the country...I don't see people unless I want to.  It's like I've forgotten how to "hang out" with other women.  Isn't that dumb?  These days, I'm used to being "the mom" not "the peer."  But I LOVE people.  I love visiting and laughing and having a good time.  Hopefully, that part of me will shine through. 

I'm silly with my kids.  I'm not silly in public.  I'm not goofy or ridiculous or sarcastic.  I feel like that public-part of me has been hidden away for so long that bringing her out now almost feels unnatural (well, I'm not a fan of sarcasm anymore.  As a teenager, yes.  As an adult, no).  But it IS a part of me, still.  I just have to find her again.  I have to remember how to let my hair down, so to speak.

I just weaned Sam.  Pumping for a week was too much for me to handle on top of everything else.  I cry just thinking about it.  I feel like he'll forget me, his mommy.  I haven't left my family very often, especially for long periods of time.  I'm a little homesick already.  See, aren't I a sorry sight?  Maybe this camp is better for me than I thought.  I have to rediscover the independent Lanette, again.

This vulnerability in me is surprising.  Social situations are usually cake for me.  We'll see.  New things are hard sometimes.  That's life.  I'll survive.  Better yet, I'm going to thrive.  It's my choice, isn't it?  Here's to new friendships that are above the 11 and under age group!!  And to discovering a little more about myself.  


Janie said...

I cannot imagine you being socially nervous! You are going to love it and make forever friends. I felt this same way a few years ago when I went to camp and only knew Tanna Murdock and the YW; greatest experience of my life!!! You are going to have a blast. Looks like you need a trip to Fernley to get yourself re-socialized. ;)

Lanette said...

Thanks, Janie. Seriously, I look back at all my Fernley friends and view you all as irreplaceable. I really think that was a major growth time for me, personally, so the influence of all of you is ingrained in my memory. I love you, girl. And I can't wait to report that camp was a success:)!!

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