I read a quote the other day that made me smile.
"Families with babies and families without are so sorry for each other." --Ed Howe
I'm a firm believer that you reap what you sow. What you put out into the universe comes back to you. For better or for worse.
That's usually the case. Except for with this little guy. He was my "sowing" exception.
I wanted to have another baby. However, I was DREADING the majority of stuff that comes with a baby. I had four years freedom. Going back is hard. Lugging around a car seat, diapers, lack of sleep, big boobs, milk letting-down unexpectedly, jello tummy, the mess-that-is-me postpartum, adapting to our new life, making new routines, adjusting to new family dynamics, etc.
Even before he was born I was telling myself this was going to be hard. That I would DIE adjusting to life with a baby again. I was scared because it usually takes a couple of years to feel like ME again. And I'd had years of feeling like me. I didn't want to lose that. I was in such a good place physically and emotionally. Why would anyone want to disrupt a good thing? It's human nature, self-preservation.
Basically, I was sabotaging myself. I knew that dwelling on the challenges of having a baby would make it THAT much harder. Sowing fear, anxiety, selfishness, I braced myself for the worst.
Sam was born. The delivery experience was less than ideal. I'll say that.
However, from the moment I came home, something miraculous happened. All the distressing seeds I'd sown never grew! This was a miracle, a tender mercy of epic proportions. For me.
Sam is our family's most powerful blessing. Sam has changed us. He has smoothed many of our rough edges, expanded our ability to love, helped us forget ourselves, taught us sacrifice (although it's pretty easy to sacrifice for that face), brought a new measure of peace in our home, filled us clear up, on tippy-toes, with love.
I just didn't expect it. I couldn't have imagined it. I was too focused on myself, my fears.
So, I'm not sorry at all for our family with a baby. Sometimes my heart is so full of gratitude, joy, and wonder at the thought.
(If only I could figure out a way to channel these feelings on my bad days, boy, THAT would be fantastic.)