As you know, I've been sick the past few days. I tell you what, being sick makes you appreciate the good days. The days of boundless energy in ME, not the kids, although they certainly are brimming with energy.
There's a nasty bug going around these parts, but in addition to that I think what took me over the edge was an adrenaline slow-down. The novelty of chickens, puppy, and Sofie becoming more ordinary. We're settling into our new life. Now my body is just plain worn out.
I realize that I need to treasure early bedtimes (instead of cramming in the first season of Downton Abbey, darn that Ben, I can't say no). I need to structure my day a little differently. It's so much harder to get out there and run these days, I feel like I have to become an early-morning runner, which to me, is a death sentence. No joke. Race day is just about one month away.
I have more things pulling me in different directions. It seems like every day I look back and realize that I've never sat down except to eat. This is SO not the kind of life I want. Therefore, I need to sit down and take stock. Look for little changes to make my life run more smoothly.
My relationship with Sofie is interesting. I'm a talker. An emotional purger. A touchy-feely, affectionate soul. She is the opposite. Half the time I don't know if she's happy here or not. I'm figuring out this balance of not being too involved, but still showing I care. Not trying to provide a solution to every challenge, when I want to step in and make everything easier. She's independent. She's exactly half my age, so I feel torn in my role as pseudo-parent/authority figure.
When my inclination is to love, nurture, touch, etc., it's so hard to stifle those feelings. You can't force affection on people. I need to figure out how SHE needs to be loved, because we have three more months together, and I want those months to be memorable. This challenge is foremost on my mind these days.
Adjusting to these changes in my life are proof to me that doing hard things is good. Not easy, but good. I feel myself being stretched, the stuff of my character, tested. I'm putting the person I THINK I AM to the test, and for the most part, I feel like I'm acting true to who I am.
I'm willing to change. To adapt. And I feel like I will be better because of those changes. I'm learning about not judging, but loving. There is no progress when I waste my energy in judgments. Love opens doors. I know all these things, in theory. It's ten times more satisfying to LIVE them.